To Be A Mom

I don’t know how mothers do it. These past couple weeks I came as close to having parental responsibilities as I’d like to for quite a while. I’m just not ready for that shit yet.

My cousins are darling boys. Between wiping babies’ bottoms and feeding picky eaters, I thought my maternal instincts were kicking in. I helped out when I could, enforced rules, encouraged kindness and sharing, watched out for danger with a careful eye. But I just can’t imagine doing it all the time.

Tequila is my baby. She’s a lot easier than an actual child, but a challenge and responsibility none-the-less. I wake up in the morning to her kisses no matter when I go to bed, and even on the days I’d like to sleep in I must get up because it’s not fair to her to keep breakfast waiting or prevent her from going out to pee. But she’s more than that. And she’s just a dog.

I remember one day at the beach I was struggling desperately to play with both her and Lucas at the same time, helping him learn to swim and preventing her from scratching the shit out of either of us. How do mothers multi-task? Keep a watchful eye on both children? Balance life out???

Last night was another test. Fireworks exploded everywhere along the coast, celebrating what I can only assume is the last weekend of the summer. Tikki was miserable. She was panting, pacing nervously, crying. She clawed desperately at my body, anxious and desperate for comfort. I patted her continuously, talking to her gently, letting her shake in my arms. She whined louder. All I wanted to do was sleep. “But it’s just not fair to her,” I mumbled and got myself out of bed, turning the light on, trying to find whatever would comfort my baby the most. Turns out, there’s not much. As she shook in my arms, lying heavily on my lap and leaning against my heart, I thought of all the times I’d run into my parents’ bedroom frantic after a bad dream or during thunderstorms. I thought of all the times they’d rather sleep or read but I was needy. And here was my dog doing the same thing. I wanted to return to my dreams; I was absolutely exhausted. If I was awake, I wanted to watch the beautiful fireworks (we all watched for a bit before Tequila got herself into a right state). But the windows (both the screen and the glass) remained shut to block out as much noise as possible and my light stayed on and my hands continuously caressing her fur.

It breaks your heart to see your baby upset. You want to do whatever you can to comfort. At the same time, you want your own life. And all I have is a dog. But, I defiantly must admit, I have gained a tremendous amount of respect for mothers at this point – how they love us continuously, help us out all our lives, accept that in many situations only their comfort or kisses will help or heal. You have to be patient to be a mother. You have to multi-task well and not mind being constantly exhausted or badgered. You need to think about everything you do or say, knowing how all will affect the gentle molding of your child. I learned this from watching my aunts and my own mother handle whatever us children will throw. It’s a beautiful thing, but I certainly am not nearly ready to do it myself.

Much love, mum!